Michael Lukas Moeller's Triple Poison and Triple Gold is a practical compass for communication. Three habits make connection harder: unilateral decisions, projection and unspoken expectations. Three further habits strengthen it: self-disclosure, positive feedback and specific behavioural requests.
The model applies to couples, friendships and families. Christmas is an especially useful practice setting because many decisions, rituals and expectations converge within a short time. Begin with the question: Which of these six habits can I recognise in my own communication?
Triple Poison and Triple Gold: an overview
| Poison | A question for self-reflection |
|---|---|
| Unilateral decisions | Have I decided something that also affects another person without telling them? |
| Projection | Which side or characteristic of the other person am I generalising at the moment? Which of their other admirable qualities can I also recognise? |
| Unspoken expectations | What do I want the other person to do without having expressed it so far? |
| Gold | A question for self-reflection |
| Self-disclosure | What can I share about my feelings, wishes or needs? |
| Positive feedback | Which behaviour of the other person do I appreciate, and how can I tell them that I would welcome more of it? |
| Behavioural request | Which specific, observable behaviour would I like to request? |
Unilateral decisions
Unilateral decisions affect another person without including them in the decision: “I've already booked our holiday” or “I've invited your parents for Christmas Eve.” The intention may be care or efficiency. At the same time, the other person has had no opportunity to contribute information, choices or wishes.
You can turn this into a shared decision: “I would like to spend Christmas with your parents. How do you feel about that idea?” Even if the other person leaves the final decision to you, they were consciously involved.
Projection
Projection is the confusion of our “image” of a person with the person themselves. Statements such as “You are always so sensitive” or “You are exactly like your mother” turn individual experiences into a fixed description of that person — one they are usually quite justified in resisting.
Current observation and curious questions create contact: “When you became quiet just now, I wondered whether my comment had annoyed you. What was it like for you?” The other person remains the expert on their own inner world.
Unspoken expectations
Unspoken expectations range from “If you loved me, you would know what I need” to an unexamined idea of when, where and with whom Christmas will be celebrated. Presents can carry expectations too: personal, surprising, useful, expensive or deliberately small.
Before an important gathering, write down three expectations. Decide which ones you would like to express as a self-disclosure or specific request. This gives the other person an opportunity to understand and respond.
Self-disclosure
Self-disclosure opens a window into your inner world. You help the other person understand how you feel, what you would like and what matters to you.
Self-disclosure turns “You never listen to me” into “When I tell you something and you look at your phone, I feel unimportant and no longer want to continue.” It turns “You work too much” into “I miss you.”
Positive feedback
Positive feedback makes visible what a particular action meant to you. It supports the wish to be seen, to matter and to have a positive effect.
You can turn a simple “thank you” into something more meaningful: “When you brought me coffee earlier, I felt genuinely cared for.” The more specifically you describe what someone did and what it meant to you, the more powerful your appreciation becomes.
Behavioural requests
A behavioural request describes specifically what the other person can do: “Could you let me finish and then tell me what you heard?” They can respond, and both of you can develop a counterproposal if needed.
Marshall Rosenberg describes the response to “no” as an important distinction between a request and a demand. A request gives the other person freedom of choice and keeps the conversation about alternative solutions open.
Checklist before a family gathering or important conversation
- Which upcoming decision affects several people?
- Which observation would I like to separate from my interpretation?
- Which unspoken expectation would I like to voice?
- What information about my inner world would help others understand me?
- What would I like to thank someone for specifically?
- Which observable behaviour would I like to request?
You can even share this model in a Triple Gold way: disclose why the conversation matters to you, appreciate the other person's interest or strength, and ask specifically whether they would like to read the article or listen to the podcast episode.
Be patient with the process
When people begin to change the way they communicate, allow them to be rather bad at it at first. Every step towards a communication style that supports a peaceful and loving Christmas deserves encouragement — including the steps you take yourself.
Podcast episode 17 explores the model through many Christmas examples; the audio is available in German only. The Dialogue based on Michael Lukas Moeller gives self-disclosure and listening a regular place. You can find further practical phrases in Communication in Relationships.
Sources
Triple Poison, Triple Gold and the six English element names are editorial translations used by this website. I could not verify a published authorised English translation of Moeller's terminology.
- NEURES Akademie: Triple Poison and Triple Gold according to Michael Lukas Moeller (in German)
- Michael Lukas Moeller: Worte der Liebe – Erotische Zwiegespräche (Rowohlt, in German)
- PuddleDancer Press: Clear requests and the distinction between requests and demands in Nonviolent Communication
- Beziehungs-Mindset Podcast: Christmas special on Triple Poison and Triple Gold (audio in German)