Good communication in a relationship begins with a simple, demanding task: understand what your partner actually means, then check whether your understanding is accurate. Many arguments escalate because people feel certain that they understand each other while responding only to their own interpretation.
In conflict, we often answer what we heard. That message may be very different from what the other person said and intended.
Said does not automatically mean understood
Every sentence meets an existing inner world of experience, fear, expectation, values and unmet needs. That inner world adds meaning. A request for time alone may sound like rejection; expressing disappointment may sound like a judgement of the whole person.
| What was said | What the other person may have heard |
|---|---|
| “It matters to me that I have some time on my own.” | “I do not matter to you, and you do not care that I feel lonely.” |
| “I felt disappointed when you did not keep your promise.” | “You are an unreliable person.” |
| “I would rather not talk about work any more tonight.” | “Your problems do not interest me.” |
| “Could we agree beforehand how long we will stay at the party?” | “I want to control when you go home.” |
| “During sex, I sometimes want us to go more slowly.” | “I am bad in bed.” |
The second column adds an interpretation that was absent from the original sentence. Until it is checked, that interpretation can still feel like fact. The partners then respond to different messages and wonder why every reply misses the point.
Listen in order to learn something
One particularly demanding form of listening is to restate the other person’s position in your own words until they recognise it as accurate. Jordan Peterson demonstrates this idea clearly in How To Really Listen To People. The measure of good listening is therefore the response of the person you wish to understand.
A mutual-understanding exercise for couples
This exercise slows the conversation sufficiently to separate interpretation from communication. It is particularly useful for emotionally charged subjects and combines well with a weekly relationship check-in.
- One partner describes their inner world. Explain how the situation felt, what mattered, which needs were affected and what impact the other person’s behaviour had. The examples in Vulnerability in Relationships may help. A timer of two or three minutes provides structure and keeps the amount of information manageable.
- The listening partner paraphrases. Put what you understood into your own words. For now, your task is to represent the speaker’s perspective as accurately as you can.
- The original speaker gives feedback on the paraphrase. Answer three questions:
- Did my partner add anything that bothers me?
- Did my partner omit anything that mattered to me?
- On a scale from 1 to 10, how well understood do I feel?
- Repeat the loop. Exchange roles only when the listening partner can restate the original speaker’s position to that speaker’s satisfaction.
Why the loop changes the conversation
Paraphrasing asks you to place your own answer to one side for a moment and enter the other person’s frame of reference. Giving feedback asks the speaker to take responsibility for becoming understandable. Both partners work on the same task: creating a more accurate picture from two inner maps.
Understanding still leaves room for disagreement. After both roles have been completed, two different evaluations, wishes or proposals may remain. The difference is that you can now respond to positions the other person recognises as their own.
Communication as a shared search for truth
A worthwhile conversation makes both partners more knowledgeable about their relationship. You discover what the situation means to the other person, which information was missing and where your views genuinely differ. An exchange of reactions becomes a shared search for truth.
In podcast episode 21, One Year of Beziehungs-Mindset (available in German), I explain that communication is not everything that shapes a relationship. The attitude behind the communication often determines the quality of the relationship. Even so, this exercise is a useful tool for de-escalating emotional conflict and helping people return to a cooperative attitude after they had felt like bitter enemies only moments before. When a couple repeatedly talks past one another, this work of translating two inner worlds is also central to my relationship coaching.
Sources and further exploration
- Jordan Peterson: How To Really Listen To People – video about listening and paraphrasing
- Peterson, J. B. (2018): 12 Rules for Life, Rule 9, “How Should You Listen?”
- Rogers, C. R. (1952): Communication: Its Blocking and Its Facilitation, ETC 9, 83–88.
- Cohen et al. (2012): Perceived empathic effort and relationship satisfaction
- The Gottman Institute: Listening without becoming defensive