“Every behaviour has a positive intention behind it” is a central NLP presupposition. I use it as a working hypothesis: it invites us to look behind a clumsy action for the need, aim or value a person was trying to serve. A quick judgement can then become a curious question.
What positive intention means in NLP
John Grinder and Richard Bandler developed NLP in the 1970s, partly by modelling the work of Fritz Perls, Virginia Satir and Milton H. Erickson. NLP has become a kind of mental first-aid kit for me: a collection of perspectives and exercises that I draw on in relationships and coaching.
In NLP, positive intention describes the desired function of a behaviour. A person may seek calm, recognition, orientation or connection through a strategy that produces the desired result only imperfectly. The knotted rescue rope in the article image captures the idea: the wish for connection is present; its expression needs a better form.
Separate observation, interpretation and an open question
Behaviour gives us visible information. The intention behind it initially remains a hypothesis. A three-part distinction helps:
| Step | Example |
|---|---|
| Observation | “You looked at your phone twice while I was speaking.” |
| My interpretation | “I am telling myself that my subject does not interest you.” |
| Open question | “What is occupying your attention at the moment?” |
The open question gives the other person a chance to explain their inner world. They may be waiting for an important message, want to note something for later or may not have noticed how their attention appeared. The conversation gives you new information for your inner map.
The exercise: find two plausible intentions
Choose an everyday situation in which somebody's behaviour irritated you. First write down only what a camera could have recorded. Then note two different, plausible intentions that could fit the same behaviour. Finally, phrase a question that lets you explore the person's actual intention.
- What did I specifically see or hear?
- What meaning did I immediately give the behaviour?
- Which two other needs, aims or values might be relevant?
- Which open question takes me from mind-reading into conversation?
Several plausible explanations remind you that your first interpretation is a hypothesis.
Translate your own positive intention into a better strategy
I find the presupposition particularly powerful when I apply it to my own behaviour. If I respond more sharply than I intended, I can ask: what was I trying to achieve? Perhaps I wanted to be heard or hoped to speed up a decision. The decisive next question is: which action would serve that intention more clearly and respectfully next time?
Working with positive intentions can combine self-understanding with responsibility. You acknowledge what mattered to you, examine the actual effect and develop a more suitable strategy.
Curiosity as a relationship skill
For me, positive intention is an invitation to meta-communication. You talk about your observation, your interpretation and your question, leaving the other person's motives open to discovery. “The Map Is Not the Territory” explores why our picture of another person always remains incomplete. You will find further wording in Communication in Relationships.
To practise for one week, choose one irritation each evening and work through the four questions. Consciously distinguishing observation from interpretation already expands your choices.
I explore the presupposition and further examples in podcast episode 1 about positive intentions in NLP, which is available in German.