Children need both men and women in their upbringing. At first sight, their messages appear very similar and can therefore easily be confused or mixed, with serious consequences. In my view, a lack of masculine or feminine parenting lies at the heart of wider social phenomena such as narcissism and the difficulties with commitment often associated with the “Tinder generation”.
The feminine role
The feminine part of parenting teaches a child how to shape, distinguish and protect their sense of self from within. It does so through praise, encouragement and unconditional love; through comfort; by helping the child remain in contact with themselves and discover how to sense and care for their own needs. The feminine message is: I am good as I am. Always. Even when I have made a mistake.
Through this feminine role, the child learns to create inner security from within rather than seeking it only outside themselves. The feminine qualities being anchored are abundance, love, trust, passion and devotion.
The masculine role
The task of masculine parenting is to teach a child how to shape their sense of self through contact with the world. It challenges and questions the child, offers conditional approval and teaches them to use the world as a source of feedback. The masculine message is: My behaviour is not always appropriate. It is appropriate when it works and when most other people can accept it.
Through the masculine role, the child learns to test themselves in and against the world and to grow through that encounter. The masculine qualities being anchored are ambition, courage, fighting spirit, humility and curiosity.
What happens when these tasks are not fulfilled?
When the feminine role fails, the masculine message “You are not automatically all right” can become generalised to the whole person. The child tries to solve feminine problems with masculine strategies and searches outside themselves for something that can only be found within. At its most extreme, this can produce a co-dependent victim who spends a lifetime searching unsuccessfully for self-worth and love in the outside world.
When the masculine role fails, the feminine message “You are unconditionally all right” can become generalised. The child attempts to solve masculine problems with feminine strategies. At its most extreme, this can produce a narcissistic tyrant who believes they have had the right from birth to receive everything they want immediately.
Whether a child is a boy or a girl, they need masculine and feminine parenting in equal measure.
Attempted “re-parenting” in a couple
Many conflicts in relationships arise when the right message comes from the wrong person: the partner. A woman who challenges her male partner through jibes is more likely to make him dig in his heels than inspire genuine growth. When she moves into her feminine energy and affirms what he has genuinely done well, his growth becomes more organic and natural.
Men who try to rescue their female partners from an emotional storm with rapid solutions can reinforce learned helplessness over time. When a man moves into his masculine energy, takes her emotional storm seriously, stands firm in its presence and recognises his own contribution, he helps her find more sustainable solutions within herself.
How can you work on this?
Parenting is a process that never entirely ends. Working on your own masculinity or femininity can be straightforward: spend time with people who have developed these qualities further than you have, whether in person or through books, podcasts and videos.
If you repeatedly clash with others, take criticism personally and struggle to achieve what you set out to do, seek contact with mature men who can offer honest feedback without questioning your value as a human being.
If you often feel worthless or dependent on other people, seek contact with mature women who can help you discover love and abundance within yourself.
Conclusion
This article is intended to do more than point towards potential for development. It is also an invitation to educate one another by embodying the best version of our masculinity and femininity. If we all helped to educate one another simply by living what we have developed most fully within ourselves, I believe the world would be a different place.