When someone clings, it is easy to see a controlling partner. When someone withdraws, we see a cold person who does not care about the relationship. When someone criticises, nags or covers us in sarcasm, we see an ungrateful idiot.
Sometimes that may even be true. Sometimes behaviour is so hurtful, so intrusive or so persistent that you have no desire to keep looking for a kind explanation. You do not have to. If the relationship matters to you, you may still want to.
In a great many relationships, though, something else is happening. A person behaves in a way that hurts the other. Behind that behaviour there may still be a concern we can understand, one they may not yet be able to put into words themselves.
Behind even the most toxic behaviour lies an unmet need.
That does not mean that every behaviour is acceptable. It does not mean that you have to analyse, rescue or treat your partner. It simply means that, if you want to reach someone again, it is often worth looking behind their behaviour for what they are trying to achieve through it.
What people may actually mean when they behave badly
During conflict, we usually see the other person's behaviour first. We see jealousy, rather than fear. We see silence, rather than overwhelm. We see criticism, rather than disappointment. We see control, rather than the insecurity beneath it.
There is a simple reason for this. The other person's behaviour lands on us. It makes us angry, sad or helpless. When we are hurt ourselves, curiosity becomes difficult.
Curiosity is often the shortcut out of a stuck conflict. Not the curiosity that takes the other person apart, but the curiosity that asks:
In what kind of world would this behaviour make sense to this person right now?
The large overview: needs behind toxic behaviour
The table is not a complete list of diagnoses. It suggests possible meanings behind behaviours that can make life difficult for couples. Let it prompt you to think further and ask what good reason the other person might have for behaving this way.
| Behaviour | What may sit behind it |
|---|---|
| They insist on being right | Perhaps they want to be seen and taken seriously. Perhaps they need to feel secure in their own perception, or are trying to protect themselves from shame. |
| They repeatedly demand fairness | Perhaps they want an injury or effort to be acknowledged at last. Perhaps they are looking for equality, or fear being taken advantage of. |
| They want to control time, contacts or your phone | Perhaps they are looking for reliability and security. Perhaps they fear loss and are trying to soothe uncertainty through control. |
| They react with jealousy | Perhaps they need exclusivity and attachment security. Perhaps they want to feel desirable and remain important to you. |
| They withdraw or fall silent | Perhaps they are protecting themselves from overwhelm. Perhaps they need time to regulate themselves because they fear escalation or rejection. |
| They constantly criticise or nag | Perhaps they want reliability, relief or more cooperation. Perhaps they want you to see a burden they have been carrying alone for a long time. |
| They put you down or become sarcastic | Perhaps they are protecting themselves from vulnerability. Perhaps they are trying to create distance or support their self-worth in a moment when they feel small. |
| They make you responsible for everything | Perhaps they are trying to find relief from shame. Perhaps they want their own pain to be recognised before they can speak about their part. |
| They repeatedly ask whether you still love them | Perhaps they are looking for reassurance and emotional security. Perhaps they fear that they are not enough or no longer enough for you. |
| They cling or give you hardly any space | Perhaps they need closeness and confidence in your bond. Perhaps they are protecting themselves from the feeling of being left. |
| They are hot and cold or unreliable | Perhaps they are trying to protect their autonomy. Perhaps closeness feels both beautiful and threatening because it touches a fear of dependence or being engulfed. |
| They avoid every conflict | Perhaps they want to preserve harmony. Perhaps they fear anger, rejection or losing control of themselves. |
| They become explosively angry | Perhaps they want finally to be heard and respected. Perhaps they are protecting themselves from powerlessness or trying to draw attention to a boundary that has felt crossed for a long time. |
| They do everything alone and delegate nothing | Perhaps they want to remain independent and protect themselves from disappointment. Perhaps accepting help or burdening others feels difficult. |
| They rescue, help or care for you without being asked | Perhaps they want to be needed. Perhaps meaning, connection and self-worth feel especially strong when they can do something for other people. |
| They cross your boundaries | Perhaps they are looking for closeness, confirmation or influence. Perhaps it is hard for them to tolerate a no because it feels like rejection. |
| They constantly keep score | Perhaps they want recognition and fairness. Perhaps they need their contributions, effort and strain to become visible at last. |
| They keep secrets or lie | Perhaps they are protecting themselves from conflict, shame or consequences. Perhaps they need autonomy and do not know a better way of preserving it at the moment. |
| They respond with passive aggression | Perhaps they want to express anger without risking an open confrontation. Perhaps this protects them from rejection because they do not believe their direct anger will be welcomed. |
If you have further ideas for this list, please write to me.
Validation does not mean agreement
When you say, “I understand that you felt overlooked,” you are not saying, “It was all right to shout at me.”
When you say, “I can see that you are afraid of losing me,” you are not saying, “You may search my phone.”
When you say, “I can see that you are deeply hurt,” you are not saying, “Every put-down is allowed.”
You are acknowledging a feeling or need while keeping your boundary.
That works best when you do not sell an interpretation as a fact. “You are only controlling because your mother did not love you enough” is not validation. It is an interpretation that makes the other person smaller.
Podcast and sources
In episode 30, “Die Geheimwaffe gegen Narzissmus”, I discuss how validation can help people move out of a narcissistic state. The episode is available in German only.
The table is a practical collection of hypotheses from the podcast. It does not assign fixed causes to individual behaviours, and it does not replace diagnosis or personal responsibility.